tw: emotional abuse
i grew up in an unsafe and unpredictable home. my dad’s alcoholism, frequent outbursts, and misogyny against my mom made it that way. i was often told my actions and efforts were never good enough. subjected to constant gaslighting and household chores. trapped between my house & the church. i wasn’t harmed physically, but the emotional abuse damaged me in ways i’m still learning how to unpack.
for example, i was always told to ‘go along’ with what was happening. growing up, i was silently taught that this kind of manipulative behavior coming from a parent was acceptable. i’m certain i didn’t understand that my dad was drunk every night. i thought he fell asleep on the couch, in front of the tv, because it was comfortable. i was naive and young, and no adult in my life wanted to tell me that our life at home was toxic or confusing. everything happened before my eyes, and yet my dad’s alcoholic tendencies were hidden and normalized.
what i have learned in my adult life is that the way i was raised most likely made me a people pleaser. the patterns you learn from being told you always need to be ‘agreeable’ and ‘low maintenance’ are common threads. we abandon our own needs as people pleasers because we are trying to stay safe. we constantly seek approval. when i reached adulthood, learning how to say “no” and set boundaries for my own needs felt physically painful. i’m still not perfect at this, but i have grown tremendously over the last couple years through therapy and my sobriety.
through podcasts, interviews, and chatting with other sober people, i’ve also learned that being a people pleaser is a common trait of an alcoholic. your self loathing begets a need for control. by trying to constantly please others, you are controlling the feelings of other people. another form of manipulation, whether you recognize it or not. when i heard this for the first time on Tricia Lewis’ now retired yet comforting podcast Recovery Happy Hour, which celebrates inspiring stories of recovery from alcohol addiction and gray area alcohol abuse, my jaw dropped. it all clicked for me, literally this week.
i’ve always had a difficult time over-apologizing for everything. anyone who has ever truly been close with me has called me out for it, which i’m eternally grateful for. earlier this year, at one month sober, an amazing friend told me to stop because it was something they were actively working on and it made them feel bad. they asked me: “why are you apologizing for simply existing?” it woke me up. ever since, i’ve been actively working on not saying ‘sorry’. again, it’s much easier said than done, but i think i’ve made immense strides. i’m much more receptive to loving criticism than i’ve ever been before because it’s the only way to grow. when your close people call you on your shit, thank them. they are the real ones to keep around.
there’s a powerful connection between low self-esteem and alcoholism–and it’s not uncommon. when i was in the hellish cycle of alcohol or substance consumption, my hangovers got worse when i hit 28. i felt constant shame and woke up with regrets at least a few times a week. this isn’t what a fulfilling life looks like, no matter how much fun you have the night before. my body began relying on alcohol, so my nutrition was a complete mess, too. i was creating–and putting myself through–what i now recognize as chronic stress.
something i’m thinking about a lot lately is this: if you suppress your emotions long enough, they’re eventually going to come out in your relationships, work, or the way you treat yourself. honesty is my new friend. it’s humbling to see who sticks by your side through the rough times. you start to see who wants to be alongside you on your journey. wanting to be in control is exhausting, and i’m tired of cheating myself by putting other peoples’ happiness first.
as i’ve mentioned in past newsletters, practices and routine are what work for me. as Tricia Lewis points out in the People Pleasing episode, “alcoholics tend to be over-thinkers”. i sure know i am. and eventually, it all balls up into chronic stress. having these practices is a way of calming my mind. it’s a way of accepting myself for who i am vs. how i used to talk down to myself. it’s how i’m learning to be comfortable with my darkest emotions. every day, i remind myself that all that matters is this: i’m here and present in this moment. and to try to let go of the rest.
a final note for now: let’s stop apologizing for things that are not our fault.
please enjoy my updated playlist, exclusive to this newsletter.
items/activities i am relishing in:
pickling. this week i pickled a variety of vegetables with friends. cucumbers, radishes, carrots, + my partner made kimchi!
try this restaurant: Seabird on Bainbridge Island - if you’re in WA state
watching: The Mariners in the MLB playoffs. we’re not doing great but as someone who has rooted for them my entire life, it is exciting how far the team has come this year
i love this bird: American Wigeon. saw a few of these fabulous ducks on Bainbridge last weekend at the beautiful + peaceful Bloedel Reserve