before we begin today: i started sob(er) stories to not only help others, but as an additional way to hold myself accountable to my recovery. i realized sharing weekly was adding too much pressure to this outlet, which, so far, has felt very healing. i definitely want to keep it that way. i’ve now told myself i will publish when it feels nurturing.
do you want to share your story? i would absolutely love for anyone that’s interested, to submit your own essay, thoughts, and reflections on your recovery. please feel free to reach out or reply directly to this email. i will share regularly depending on the amount of submissions i receive.
the great Pharoah Sanders passed. it was the first thing i saw when i unlocked my phone on Saturday morning. i immediately started playing his albums loudly in the living room while drinking my coffee, as i often do with records on my weekends. it is the most sacred time. i was grateful to have the time to sit and honor his spirit and force rather than rush to my emails. i felt sorrow, but my heart was nonetheless full. i say that because i’m thankful to have occupied the earth at the same time as such an immense genius. his music touches you with such purpose and healing. it’s an irreplaceable connection. when a creator passes who shared such expansive work with unending devotion, i see that life as the brightest light. his energy already radiated everywhere. now it’s beyond this world. an eternal love.
jazz has given me a new sense of purpose this year. right ahead of my recovery, i found an immeasurable love for this music. i had the fortune of working with the undeniable Nala Sinephro. i always loved jazz, but this was my first time working with a contemporary musician who absolutely shattered what i thought music should sound like. her story is also one of great healing. i craved more of this warmth and comfort through records. although i had listened to an abundance of Alice and John Coltrane over the years — my listening has gone deeper and deeper. it sustains and grounds me. this summer, i witnessed Marcus J. Moore interview Ali Shaheed Muhammad and Adrian Younge before a performance from their transcendent collective, label, and movement Jazz Is Dead.
via their Bandcamp, they share their absolutely beautiful mission: “under Jazz Is Dead younger artists are elaborating upon conversations started decades ago; jazz icons are utilizing vintage equipment to create new masters…”
during the conversation, Ali expressed something that will forever stick with me: “you’re winning at life when you don’t take your pain and sadness out on other people”. that statement could not only be appropriate about recovery, but how i wish so many of us lived our truth.
in AA, it is suggested that alcoholism is illness of the mind, body and spirit.
i am finding my new spirituality. later on, i might delve into my past a bit, as i was raised in the Eastern Orthodox church up until entering college. i’m no longer observant, but i have always felt a heavy spirituality in my soul. my recovery has led me to love myself again. to honor the parts of me i used to bury. though it’s a sentiment that so many preach, few achieve it. it’s so hard to nourish and love yourself so you can give to others. i had been doing the opposite for so long. alcohol took priority over taking care of my mind, body and spirit. i was easily irritable, anxious, contentious and rushing through moments to find my next drink or high. on days where i knew i needed a break, i just kept going–and i typically would reset the pain with more alcohol.
my newfound spirituality embodies: deeper listening to others, upholding boundaries i’ve created, being honest with myself and those around me, slowing down when my body tells me to, investing in supportive relationships, exploring my queerness, taking care of my health, respecting myself, reserving judgement, eating nutritiously, noticing + preserving nature.
today marks 8 months of my journey in sobriety. i can’t wait to see my world expand and grow–spiritually and beyond.
please enjoy my jazz-heavy updated playlist, exclusive to this newsletter.
items/activities i am relishing in:
building community: abortion education + companion class through the incredible Dopo organization
eating: Matcha Man Ice Cream & Taiyaki in Georgetown, Seattle
watching: A League of Their Own
i love this bird: Wilson’s Warbler